If you're a "Pro Photographer," but you only shoot digital then really you're just a "Pro Editor." Right?

It's so funny that the smallest trigger can make me feel so nostalgic for what were truly some of the longest and most sorrowful days of my life. That sounds melodramatic but it's true. I often find myself wanting so badly to be sitting in the old desks at the School of Languages in the University of Guanajuato, noting the week at the top of every page of notes for my literature of the revolution class. I was so sad a lot of the time but I really miss it. I miss the feeling of accomplishment that came with the completion of the smallest tasks. Every day was an adventure. Every day offered new opportunities to conquer my fears and feel comfortable alone in a place that felt so far away from home. I may never feel that way again.

I miss college!

So I'm disappointed that prop 5 failed. Thank you, Diane Feinstein...why was she the only voice addressing prop 5?

No, it's fine...lets keep on building prisons to put crack addicts away.

Did you know that according to federal minimum sentencing laws possessing 5 grams of crack carries a five year sentence. For cocaine, possession of 500 grams carries a 5 year sentence. UM WHAT THE FUCK? What is wrong with us?

I'm tired.
Work is challenging and that's good. Last week I translated paper work. Now I've got a few projects I'm working on...including finding mentors for a family in El Cajon. 4 boys and 2 girls.
It's difficult because you meet new families who are enrolling in the program and want to help them so badly. We enrolled a family last week and when they left I had this overwhelming feeling of instability and insecurity.
It sucks to not be able to wave a magic wand and make it all go away, you know? I just want the kids to be happy.

This morning I had a really vivid dream.

I was in Japan with other American friends and we were in this outdoor cafe and there were mostly other international students around. Everything was very surreal...in fact, it looked a lot like Disneyland. We were sitting at this table that was like inserted into the boulders on the side of a hill and we were being nostalgic and chatting about high school memories. I looked up from the table and saw smoke behind the hill. My point of view shifted and I could see that it was a mushroom cloud. Two more bombs were dropped behind us and we started to run out of the cafe and up this really steep hill. I could hear older Japanese men yell, "Mushroom!" as they ran. I began to notice as we were running that there were signs posted in English warning any Americans that there was going to be an attack. In my dream I had already understood that the American government was responsible for the attack. But when I saw the signs I wondered why I hadn't seen them before and I realized that they were always facing the wrong way and I never turned around to read them but I was seeing them now as we were all running from this impending doom. I kept tripping and getting my foot caught in potholes. My friends were trying to pick me up and move me along because we came to this wall of protesters who were trying to grab runners and keep them from running. The protesters were tiny and pale and expressionless...like aliens. They were dressed in jumpsuits and each jumpsuit was a different nation's flag. They were trying to make a statement I think and were going to face the wave of fire and radiation that was coming towards us.

Then I woke up....terrified.

I started to think about Makiguchi and the people who warned and protested about Japan's militarization. Japan was bombed into submission and forced to demilitarize. So to say Japan is a peaceful nation is kind of obvious and I can't really know because I'm not Japanese but I would say that the Atomic bombs really changed that society because nobody was willing to pay that high of a price for power. I can never know the horror of that experience and I will never believe that it was a justified action.

I began to think that one day we will have to pay the price in the United States. I don't know what it will be. Maybe we will finally get to a place where enough of the lives of our fathers and our peers and maybe even our children will be wasted and we will submit. The most terrifying part of the dream was not being able to read those signs until we were running away. I knew as I was running that even if I survived I would be wasted and now it was too late to warn anybody...it was too late to get out.

Okay...

if you are in San Diego, please hang out with me. 

Yesterday and today have been hard because all of my family is in San Diego for my graduation tomorrow but I can't see them because I have to work checkout and storage from 9-5 everyday. I have a little break now and I called my mom and they were all playing Apples to Apples. It's hard to see all my peers with their families when I can't be with mine.

Okay, I must have missed something...
when did size 10 become a plus-size?
To claim that woman who wears a 10 is a plus size model is ridiculous. She should be the standard.

What does it mean when you're really happy with the way you've been living your life but you know that some of your friends think that it's not valuable? How do you deal with that? And why isn't it okay that I don't depend on my friends for happiness? I feel like my biggest problem with friends is that I don't get invested enough but I just don't need to. I'm not that person. I've got my family (including Jared) and myself. I'm happy...so why should I change? But maybe I'm not happy...

I guess that I would never push my ideas on someone else. At least I hope I don't...
It's stupid that I'm in the closet about *not* practicing. It's stupid that I feel bad because checking my email is not my top priority.
God...maybe I should shut up and stop being a coward.

Know your limit, kids!

When I think about how much he loves me, my heart swells and I forget about everything else. I hope he feels the same way.
It's good to know that when everything seems to fall apart, one lazy Sunday can put it all back together.

Don't drink and journal, kids.
I finished my thesis today!
Fuck yizzah...
We had a fuckin kick ass party that the underclassmen are starting to crash. Fuck no! Beer for people who wrote a capstone....bithces.

I didn't see all of Larry King's "exclusive" with the women from the Fundamentalist LDS Church but I saw a few minutes. From the very beginning of the investigation and media coverage I've been uncomfortable with the way those women have been treated. They were taken from their children and placed in shelters. Some of their children were placed with families from the local Baptist church. That must be terribly difficult for them.
And then for Larry King to ask them, "You never thought plural marriage was wrong?" "You never thought young girls marrying older men was wrong?" It's obvious that these women don't have any say in how their lives unfold. The men in the church are completely in control and should have to deal with the questioning and the prodding. I mean women are traded and abused and broken. The same goes for their children. The only life they know is life on the ranch and you expect them to admit that they don't want their teenage daughters to be married to 50 year old men? Why do we act as if they should somehow be held accountable. They risk their own safety and the safety of their children. They could lose all of their friends and family, their entire social network, if they leave the church or speak out against it.
The rights of these women were first violated by their husbands and the men in the church and now their rights as mothers are being violated by the state. It's just wrong.

I'm an official Americorps VISTA with a position at the YMCA Youth and Family Services office!
Woohoo!

A neighbor just knocked on my door and said, "Should you be able to put another tampon in if there is already one in there?"
I answered, "No? Well I guess you could but I think you would notice." Then I asked, "Well did you check?" She said, "I didn't remember taking it out but it didn't seem like it was there." "Yeah, but did you check?"  *gestures with fingers*

.................................

She says, "I don't do that." AHAHAHAHAHAHAHDBWAHDSLHFALKJDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, neighbor...you put a dry wad of cotton up there but you won't stick your fingers in?

The conversation is hilarious just because we aren't 12, you know? She's 22 years old. We've been getting our periods for a decade...and she knocks on my door to ask that kind of a question.

I love her.

I am definitely um...I'm struggling. Well, to be honest I feel like I'm drowning.
I've really felt like this since November but I thought I had been doing better.
I feel completely incapable of graduating.
I really feel like it would help me if I could write about it but I don't know what to say. I can't describe what it feels like. All I can say is before this year when I've been in stressful situations I've always been able to visualize the end and get through but I can't do that anymore. I feel stuck here. I feel like I'm never getting out.
I really don't know how to deal with myself right now. I know that I am what's holding me back but I can't stop delaying.

Damn it was hot this weekend. Unseasonably hot as I'm sure you all know. Seriously, 85 in the second week of April is a little much.

I, of course, should be working on my Capstone right now. I am so inconsistent. For every good writing day I have, five bad days follow. That's not productive! I'm getting really tired of the routine.

I also hate pretending to be sad about graduation. I am so sick of underclassmen saying, "But we'll never see you again." I'm heartless...but they are raining on my parade! Damn. I'm gonna move back to San Diego...the only place I want to be. I get to spend a lot of time with my parents and with Jared. I get to read books for pleasure. I get to have a job that I'm excited about and earn money that I can save for my future. This is hella exciting!

I have a long week ahead of me. I've got to process my film and make some prints for an exhibition on Thursday. On Tuesday, I have to drive down to SD for my third interview with the YMCA Youth and Family Services Y-FRIENDz office. I've got to finish all 30 pages of my capstone and I have to start planning programs for the end of April and May.

I can do it...?

It all started a few weeks ago with the bloody vagina jokes. "Haha...vaginas are so unsexy because they bleed. Women are only valuable as sexual objects and period-y vaginas are so unsexy...we should makes jokes about them."

Anyways, since then I've written an article for the student news paper titled, "Menstruation Is Not a Dirty Word." I guess to prove my point to myself I've spent a lot of time on youtube watching various videos on feminism and all different performances of the vagina monologues. So many of the comments for monologue posts read like this, <in a whiny, everything is about me because I'm a man voice>"Well, what if this were turned around and there were penis monologues, what would you say then?"
Jesus Christ...if there's no mention of a penis some men get so bent out of shape. Perhaps they have vagina envy? I don't know what it is. The last few millenia weren't enough for them. They can't stand the fact that a woman would write about vaginas to please and serve women and not men. How awful.

The worst is when they take claim of the word feminism and then accuse feminists of not staying true to the definition. So many men like to say...I thought feminism was about equality. Apparently equality means we should all shut up about everything. I'm a feminist because I think men and women need to be liberated from the patriarchal society and I think that "feminine" traits should be valued just as much as "masculine" traits are.

Be careful it's about to get personal -
You know I'm the only one of my friends with boyfriends who orgasms on a regular basis. Vagina's need help! So fuck off with your penis monologue bullshit. When you've grown to become so ashamed and distanced from your penis that you can't orgasm then we'll talk. There are women who live their whole lives without ever orgasming. I mean you want to talk about repression...

Then there is the claim that we have all that we need. We can vote right? True but still my open minded, hate fighting, progressive thinking male friends think the best insult is to ask someone if they've got a bloody vagina. Still women in the US make only 80% of what men make. Still young girls are manipulated by their boyfriends into having sex when they aren't ready and then they are called sluts. Still we think that women should feel free to explore their sexuality...quietly...in private...with their husbands.

Look at this advertisement -



Yeah...it looks like penis monologues would only be fair.

I don't think that I told you that I'm having a second interview for a job on Monday.
It's with AmericorpsVISTA and I'd be working with the YMCA in San Diego on a program called Y-FRIENDz. The program matches mentors with children of prisoners. I would be doing admin stuff, helping with the mentor screening process, and planning activities for the kids.
They'd give me a relocation allowance for moving back down to SD and I would get a small stipend every two weeks. I can defer my student loans since VISTA is a federal program and basically the government will pay my interest for the year that I work.
I'm really excited about it and I'm really hoping I get it.
Knowing that I'm really close to having a job after graduation makes me feel like a real person. For so long anytime I thought of what would happen after graduation I would just feel stressed and lost and hopeless...almost like nothing existed after Soka. But now...I'm really excited to move on. I'm ready to work.